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"I have suffered from the darkness; I wish for people who struggle in the darkness to try to escape from it and look for the light." Shizuka Speaks, 2008

One of Japan's most iconic and enigmatic artists speaks in a far ranging, definitive interview two years before her death.


This following was translated from handwritten notes that Shizuka Miura prepared in 2008 for an interview to be published by a Chinese language magazine. She wrote them shortly after the devastating Sichuan earthquake in China that had occurred in May of that year and two years before she took her own life in 2010.


The original questions were lost and only Shizuka's words remain. Their meaning and context are self evident; She is candid and vulnerable, self reflective, in a way that few artists have ever been.


Japanese to English translation by Taketo Shimada, published for the first time with Black Editions's physical release of Shizuka's debut and sole studio album Heavenly Persona. The album was first released in 1994 on CD by P.S.F. Records in Japan. It is now available as a Deluxe Double Vinyl Edition and Digital Download from Black Editions.


 

UNBEARABLE UPBRINGING. This stems from my “unbearable upbringing”, and it was utterly inescapable. As a result, I gave up everything about life and I couldn’t go on anymore... I attempted suicide when I was 19... I was admitted to a hospital, I ran away from home right after I was discharged, then I met Maki and we got married, gave birth to my son, I gained a strong support system between having a loving husband and a son, but that “unbearable upbringing” left a deep scar in me and I couldn’t ignore it, it became something I can’t erase despite all the treatments I received... Also, I've experienced painful events one after another, I didn’t ask for them, and they come attacking even when I’m cautious, they surface suddenly even when I'm enjoying my life... but all of these events, I needed them in order to be stronger, and I think of them as necessary trials nowadays.


KATAN AMANO. The sudden passing of my mentor and a person I respected, Katan Amano (1), shocked both Maki and me. I hadn’t started making music at the time yet. I was in no condition to play guitar, but Maki taught me the basics of how to construct a song, which eventually became the song Kodoku wo Hakaru (Plan for Solitude from Heavenly Persona). I always loved going to see Maki play live shows, but I started to feel this desire to play music myself, so I asked Maki if we can start a band together, and he told me rather coldly “if you don’t even know what you want to do, there’s nothing we can do together”. I wasn't skilled compared to professional guitar players, but I tried to express the feelings pouring out of me with lyrics and melodies. Around the time when I finished making three songs, an acoustic singer-songwriter friend of mine asked me if I wanted to open for her and play those songs... And I played those three songs for the first time in front of an audience a few days later, the same friend asked me to open for her again, the venue was in the basement of this rehearsal studio, and coincidentally Maki’s band finished their practice as my show was about to start, so Maki came to see the show. He saw me sing by myself, and thought “She can’t really sing or play, but she’s performing songs of her creation without imitating any style”. I think he was surprised, but also thought “We can play together”. I started to express my inner thoughts through singing more often, and they started to become songs. Maki was giving me some advice too, and as I finished more songs Maki and I started to feel we wanted to make a tribute CD for Katan because we felt that she taught me many valuable lessons and rather than feeling sad about her death we wanted to express our appreciation. I don’t think those songs are about her, but she was in my thoughts when some of those songs were coming into shape. The president of P.S.F. Records (Mr. Ikeezumi) really liked Maki’s work, and Maki had mentioned to Mr. Ikeezumi that we started a band and gave him our demo tape. He was working on Tokyo Flashback 3, and from my understanding the compilation series is aimed to introduce Japanese underground music to a worldwide audience, and one of the songs by Shizuka was included in this CD. So that song - Hodokareta Garasu no Ribon (Untied Glass Ribbon) - became our debut song. After that, he asked us if we wanted to release a full album as Shizuka, and as a tribute to Katan we recorded the CD “Tenkai no Persona” (Heavenly Persona).


Back then I liked to dress in all black even though I like to mix in some color now, but even when I was only wearing black clothes I was always looking for light, actually it might be more fitting to use the words ‘gods’ instead of ‘light’. I have a strong desire to escape from the darkness and look for the light because I have suffered from the darkness; I wish for people who struggle in the darkness to try to escape from it and look for the light. So the CD title comes from that wish, “persona” = “mask”, and even though I’m covered in black clothes, my heart is hoping for “heaven” and “gods”. The process of finishing the album was incredibly taxing with our constant financial struggle. We spent a long time over many meetings with our friend Mr. Tanaka, a professional photographer who works on TV and magazines. Same with Mr. Hayakawa, who’s a famous bass player, and Mr. Nagahara who teaches piano and was preparing his students for an important recital. We told them we can’t pay them but we need their help for the recording, and everyone agreed without any hesitation. We were able to spend so much time and effort on each song because of everyone’s sacrifice, and Maki and Jun mixed the songs with a fine-tooth comb over a long period of time. I didn’t understand anything about the mixing process, so I would go take a walk in the neighborhood. Maki never compromises so he spent a tremendous amount of effort finishing the album, and all I could do was watch him and tell him if I liked the results of his labor, so the whole process made me realize how incredibly hard it is to create albums. Even for the cover art we needed to spend a lot of time until we agreed on it. We needed to consider the obi and placement of the band name in relation to it, the size of the photo needed to be changed based on the width of the obi, and the size of the photo determined how much to blur its edges...

(1) Katan Amano was a Japanese kyūtai kansetsu ningyō (ball-jointed doll) maker and an aestheticist. She died in 1990 in a motorcycle accident. Her dolls are called Katan dolls.

MUSICAL BEGINNINGS. Like I said earlier in the answer, my acoustic singer song-writer performance was Shizuka’s first show. After I’d played solo twice, Maki agreed to play with me. We played as a duo for a few shows, I played guitar and sang, and Maki played the lead guitar. Then Maki suggested we get a bass player and a drummer. Maki knew a guy who played bass, he used to play with him before I met him. For the drums, we asked Jun Kosugi as Maki played with him in Fushitsusha. They both agreed to join us and ‘the Shizuka band’ was formed. I don’t remember for how long... but we played together for a while. But suddenly, Maki’s old friend who played the bass felt he couldn’t be playing music anymore and decided to leave us. We weren’t able to find the right bassist for a while, so we couldn’t play shows as a result. It was around this time when we got the offer to make the Shizuka CD, and that CD took a long time to finish, so that’s why we hadn’t been playing shows. When we were playing out, I was also making dolls and showing them, so sometimes Maki and I would play like three songs as the Shizuka duo for some of the opening receptions. Or sometimes, I would display my dolls along the stage so there was a concert and doll exhibition at the same time.


DARK AMBIENCE. (the dark ambience)... It wasn’t something I consciously designed or produced. I grew up in extreme poverty until I left home at 19. My parents always discouraged me when I found something I liked, and stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. I was forced to do things I wasn’t interested in, and rebelling against them wasn’t very effective. I had no freedom, I felt trapped and there wasn’t an ounce of joy in my life, living only brought pain and sadness... I enjoyed writing poems, and I wrote about what I thought about, so I expressed sadness, dark thoughts and an ‘imaginary world of joy’ in them. They were what came out of me naturally. Ever since I met Maki and moved in with him after only a few months of meeting him, Maki tried to tell me “enjoy living life” and “it’s okay to have fun” but the scar from my painful past was really deep, and when I tried to have fun I didn’t know how to do that. The sadness that engulfed my heart was so strong, that even when I enjoyed something for a moment, the sadness and the depression would come right back. I couldn’t escape from the depth of my pain even when I knew I shouldn’t be looking back to my past. I started to share my life with Maki and gave birth to my son - my husband and son are the most precious things in my life - and I think I gradually started to accept having ‘fun’. Creative efforts are always time consuming, it takes time to make dolls, organize doll exhibitions and make music, but I also have to earn money for living expenses and to raise my son, and my income was very limited since it took such a long time for me to produce. I constantly felt miserable from the financial strain, and I daydreamed constantly to escape from that reality. Having a baby and raising him made me happy but it was also very draining.


I really tried to be a loving, good mother but I think it all caught up to me, I vomited blood when my son was one, and I was told I had cancer. I was very close to dying and I had to have a major surgery, and that really sapped my energy. I got better, and my son grew up healthy and happy, but I still get tired easily, and it’s not uncommon for me to stay in bed for days. So things that come out of me, they are natural to me, but they could be considered to be ‘dark’ because they are my reality.


STABLE FORCE. Things I observed from Maki joining Fushitsusha and Les Rallizes Dénudés, I think the interactions with both Mr. Mizutani and Mr. Haino were invaluable to Maki, and I think what he learned from them became part of Shizuka. I’m fortunate to have Maki as a director of the band Shizuka, and he gives detailed instructions for all the instruments, bass, drums, my guitar... but he is open to us having our own ideas as well, so we have a good symbiosis between him leading and us responding. When we work on our songs, we exchange ideas until we all agree, down to very small details. It’s inspiring when someone says something that I’ve never thought about. But Maki is the stable ‘force’ behind us and leads us to the finish line, because he brings the individual parts into one cohesive whole. I feel that it takes a lot of his mental strength to orchestrate us.

DARK AESTHETIC. I don’t think anyone influenced my ‘Dark Aesthetic’. I often learn about people with similar style even though we’ve never known each other. It’s perhaps something that’s innate to us. I simply enjoy giving shapes to the feelings that pour out of me, and there’s nothing ‘calculating’ or ‘strategic’ with my process. The dolls are like my children and they are all very precious to me, but to some people they are just scary... It breaks my heart, and I wonder why.


NEW MUSIC. It’s not like we’ve never thought about going into a studio. We have many new songs, we just can’t play them because we don’t have a drummer or a bassist. We tried recording with a new line up once - Mr. Hayakawa on bass and Maki’s acquaintance on drums - but we couldn’t really mesh, and we felt that what we recorded wasn’t worth releasing so we put the idea on hold. One time, Jun (2) came back to the band after he was gone for a while, and we got this new bass player so we felt like it’s finally coming together, but both Maki and Jun thought the bassist wasn’t up to par and the songs never got ‘finished’. They’d ask him “can you play like this?” but I think he wasn’t skilled enough to do what they wanted... It took so much time practicing, we managed to play a few shows, but we couldn’t really come together as a ‘band’ so we didn’t reach the point where we felt like we can record the songs. “Live Shizuka” was released right after “Tenkai no Persona” which took so much time to finish, we were too exhausted both mentally and physically to even begin to think about recording a new set of songs and finishing them, but we had enough live recordings to choose from to make a ‘live album’ so that’s how “Live Shizuka” came about. I have many songs that are either new or unreleased and I’d like to record and release them, but without a bass player and a drummer we can’t do that... There are unreleased songs we’ve recorded in studios, but Maki says “they are not finished”... I think they need more work to be released.

(2) Jun Kosugi, the founding drummer of Shizuka, played drums for Fushitsusha and Tenniscoats


INDEPENDENCE. I don’t read any music magazines, and I can’t use a computer, so I don’t really know, but Maki’s good with computers and he sometimes tells me what he reads on the internet. We sometimes invite an extremely small number of people who like our music to our home for a tea ceremony. What is “independent music”? I really didn’t know, so I asked Maki the difference between “independent” and “major” music and I think I get it now. Shizuka might be considered “independent” but it’s not like I’m conscious about it. It’s a bit extreme but I think we can say the purpose of ‘major’ music is to make profit, be trendy, and make songs that appeal to masses. You can be popular for a second, but we forget about them as soon as the trend passes. It’s particularly true in the Japanese “major” record labels so I don’t have any desire to work with them. I don’t find any problem in continuing to be “independent” as long as our music travels beyond borders and stays around for a long time.


I can’t really pick any artist who influenced me. There have been certain types of music or bands that I liked, and I’d imagine their music informed my music and unconsciously influenced the songs I make, but when I make songs they end up slow tempoed even though I like to listen to punk rock with a fast beat... I think we are all influenced by someone, and I’m sure I am influenced by everything I’ve listened to, but I often forget what songs I liked and who made those songs once they get absorbed and digested by me... so I can’t really say who influenced me... I have no contact with any Japanese bands who plays neo-psychedelic music. Some of my favorite bands or artists are - Les Rallizes Dénudés and Susumu Hirasawa.


FEMININE QUALITIES. I don’t know if there are many women who create music similar to mine. Maki listens to all kinds of music but I don’t listen to that much music or watch TV, and it’s very seldom that I go see a live show. There seem to be so many young artists in every conceivable genre now in Japan, so I really have no clue... “sensitivity and attentiveness that are particular to female artists”... I’ve never thought about them, or paid attention to them. If they are apparent in my work, they are probably in everything I do, not just in music. For example, I give names to furniture and objects in my room if I like them... I like giving names to things I like, even if they are hand-me-downs or bargain purchases, and I spend hours thinking where to put them, what to put next to them. Sometimes I decide to throw away a cabinet, but then I throw some paints and decorations on it, it’s as if I’m putting a new life into it and bringing out a new character... I love doing things like that, like making a tablecloth that matches the curtains... Maybe those are decidedly feminine qualities.


MOTHERHOOD. I don’t know if my son likes the music I do. No one has asked me that before, and I’ve never asked my son if he likes it... I don’t know how he perceives my work but he grew up as Maki and I composed and practiced songs for “Shizuka band”, and he watched us always pressed for time with the band or doll making. When my son was around 2 years old, I took him to a Fushitsusha concert. I saw Maki on a stage getting ready, and I thought “It’ll start soon and it’ll be super loud, what should I do if he starts crying”, but as soon as they started playing he said “Me too!” and tried to run toward the stage, it was so hard to stop him... And when he was a little older, old enough that he could stay home by himself, I asked him if he’d like to come see Maki and I play on few occasions, but he flat out said “no, I’m not coming”, so I figured he’s not interested and stopped asking him... When he was 13, he said “I want to learn how to play guitar” out of nowhere, and both Maki and I were shocked, since we had no idea that he was interested in music. I think Maki taught him the basics of guitar, but he was on his own after that. He went out and got himself a scorebook of his favorite pop rock band, and he taught himself how to play those songs. He was a quick learner, and he started a band with his friends from school. I think they only play original songs now, and they play shows all the time. Now he lives by himself not far from us, and he visits Maki often to pick his brain about his band or guitar, so he trusts Maki a lot. I think I don’t count as a ‘guitar player’ from my son’s point of view, and it’s hard to see any effect I had on his music since his band plays a genre of music that I don’t know anything about. I think he is influenced by some of Maki’s guitar playing, and I might have some influence as an “existence”, but to what degree, or how, I can’t really say. I think it was when he was about 15... he started making original material rather than playing copies of popular rock bands, and he told my sister “I’m composing songs but it’s hard to come up with lyrics for them”, and my sister told him “Maybe your mother can write some lyrics?” but my son told her “Her poems are pretty depressing... so that won’t work”. I thought then I’m just writing what comes natural to me, and I’m not aware that I’m writing something ‘depressing’, he made me realize “ok... it could be kind of depressing...”.

TRADITIONAL AESTHETICS. We have a lot of unreleased new material, and I’ve been wanting to record it in a studio and release a CD with those songs, but we have no drummer or bass player so it’s just not possible. When Maki had an ulcer the size of a thumb and needed an operation, we couldn’t play for about two years but I kept writing new songs and kept playing shows with different line ups - with another guitarist, or as a Shizuka duo with Jun on drums, or sometimes I played solo sets, so it’s not like I stopped while Maki was sidelined. And when Maki recovered and we started playing again, we found out that the new bass player couldn’t play as well as Maki and Jun hoped and it really agonized them. Our relationship became awkward and we kind of took a break from the band. It’s always been Maki who took time to look for a new member for the band, but I think he thought it just doesn’t make sense to keep looking, so we kind of stopped talking about the band. Maki knew he wasn’t retired from the band and he intended to pick it up again, and I had a pile of new songs that needed to be heard, so I organized a “Shizuka Solo A Cappella Live” and invited Maki to my room. I played six or seven song with Maki as the sole audience, it started with my poetry reading - and turned into an a cappella concert. So it is really hard to believe this new album “Denshobigaku (Traditional Aesthetics)” is coming out. Mr. Ikeezumi was playing a cassette tape recording of a Shizuka concert from 1995 in his record store Modern Music, and a customer - I’m told he’s one of the regulars - who was at the store said “Is this Shizuka? I’m a big fan of theirs. It’d be great if you can release this tape on CD with P.S.F. I’ll pay for the production”. So Mr. Ikeezumi contacted us and told us about it, and it got released pretty quickly after that. At first, I didn’t remember where the tape was recorded or what we played back then. When I listened to the tape for the first time after ten years, it made me realize how much I’ve changed, I was full of mixed emotions, like I came face to face with a self I vaguely recognize and thought to myself "oh yeah, that version of me existed".


DENSHO. I really have no clue about how many units of “Tenkai no Persona” were sold. I’m interested in knowing it, and I should be somewhat responsible for the sales of the CD as well, so I would like to ask Mr. Ikeezumi about it as an artist who made those songs, but I also feel it’s not cool for artists to be asking that kind of question, and that’s a job for a band manager... but since Shizuka has no manager, I decided I don’t need to know that even though I am curious about it. It’s the same way with “Denshobigaku”, I have no way of predicting the sales figure. I named the CD “Denshobigaku”(3) with a hope that it will have a long life spreading all around the world even after I’m finished with this world and traveled to the other side... It makes me very pleased to imagine my songs being listened to by more people from many different countries.

(3) The word “Densho” means “passed on from people to people, generation to generation”, and it implies an oral tradition. The English title of this CD is “Traditional Aesthetics”.


FUTURE PLANS. I was just thinking how hard it is to keep a band together... so I have no concrete plans for promoting the CD or an album release tour. Mr. Ikeezumi said he likes when Shizuka performs as a duo with Maki and I, and he also told us Mr. K - who financed “Denshobigaku” - is interested in paying for the new album, so I am just starting to think it might be possible after all to play shows and record a new album if we can continue as the Shizuka duo. I’ve never heard about “fan conventions” so I can’t think of where to start with that, but I always thought it’d be nice to make more opportunities to meet with our fans. It wasn’t very satisfying when I performed that “A Cappella Live” and Maki was the only one in the audience... Yes, I’d love to go to China. I don’t think I can visit right away - I don’t know the language or the geography, I don’t know where I can find places to play, and we need to save some money for the travel... I have the desire for it, but I think we need a lot of detailed planning to make it happen, but it’s one of the dreams of mine that I like to think about often. I think the roots of Japanese culture came from China, and Japanese culture wouldn’t be here without China, so I have a deep gratitude and I think we owe a lot to China.


Many people have lost their lives after the Sichuan earthquake... I would like to express my condolences to the victims and hope that people recover quickly. I don’t watch TV so I get my information about news from newspapers. I followed news about the Sichuan earthquake every day, and I’ve read an article from June 4 that many schools have been destroyed. It breaks my heart when I think about the students and teachers who suffered from the disaster... Maybe some of the people who suffered in this tragedy have heard of my music and like it. I’m sure I’ll think about the victims of this tragedy when I sing from now on, whether they are rebuilding their life in this world or passed on to the other side. I hope my singing will reach them.


NEW YOU.

trouble becomes strength

problem becomes intellect

sadness becomes kindness

a person who suffered the most

becomes the most content


We often struggle in our daily life and it’s painful, we feel like all hopes are lost in the darkest hour, but beyond that, you’ll find a new you... conquered and all grown up. There’s no solution or growth in running away. Don’t give up, go beyond it. You might think it’s impossible in the weak moments, then you take a break, feel better, and keep going. When you keep your forward momentum, and don’t succumb to temptations to stop, the dream that looked so far away will be right in front of you.


 

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